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 Fear, Forgetting and Forgiveness

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blackice_pixie
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Join date : 2010-08-02

PostSubject: Fear, Forgetting and Forgiveness   Thu Dec 22, 2011 10:30 pm

Fear. Nervousness. Shock. Abandon. The list can go on in an attempt to describe my life now. It feels more like the fucking Twilight Zone than my life.. though I don't really know what my life is like.I have gained more insight into who I am in the past few days then I ever would have hoped to accomplish. I had a family member literally appear in my room with humungous..God.. if anyone finds this journal I will be fucking interned in a mental place.. but.. huge bat wings and a word that.. well there are just no words. Needless to say i was fucking freaky as hell.

The situation went from bad to livable as I found out that.. well there are just some thins about my family I will never hope to grasp in this lifetime. Needless to say this Davar seems like a decent guy.. a little clingy.. and very injured. I don;t know how or why but..I can just tell by looking at him. Holding him in my bed felt like holding Roslyn after her bastard of a boyfriend tears her heart to shreds.

I can honestly say that I am afraid. The more I see of these people in my family..the worse my dreams have been getting. I had a terrible dream the other night.. I remember laying in a field of wheat and a soft whisper of laughter in my ear, blonde hair trailing down my shoulder as a woman rested her head there. But.. when I tried to see her face, all I saw was blood, blood and gore.. and I could hear my screams.. I sit up and run away.. trying to leave the field but the growth just gets thicker, churning around my legs until I am trapped. I turn and ... almost see a person behind me.. a gentle figure shrouded in a soft delicate gown, her golden hair falling over her bloodied shoulders.. blue eyes staring accusingly at me, arm outstretched as I keep screaming.

I always wake up feeling..empty.. like there should be more fear lingering.. but I can never seem to remember it. Davar told me I.. was injured.. that something horrible happened to me. There are times I.. that I hope I never remember.. that I can try to live a peaceful life. But. I don't know if I can even be afforded that option anymore. I don't want to lose to this.. to this encroachment on my life. I have school .. i am an RA.. hell I would even maybe like to get a girlfriend. I just.. how am I supposed to live knowing that I come from family that isn't human? When I am most likely probably not human myself... ?

It is honestly a lot to process, and I wish I had someone to help me.. but I feel like all I am doing lately is helping others. Perhpas it is the best way, throw myself into others lives while I slowly try to process my own. All I can do now is wait. and pray that the nightmares I see at night are not memories begging for release.. I would rather sit and drink beer with Davar, have dinner with my father.. and just.. live a normal life.
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