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 What is lonliness?

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blackice_pixie
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Join date : 2010-08-02

PostSubject: What is lonliness?   Tue Oct 18, 2011 4:12 pm

What is loneliness? I have found myself asking this question a lot lately. I don't really know what it is per say.. I have no memories of a family to feel loss, I have never loved another and lsot them, so I don't understand I have always been surrounded by friends and women from the moment I can remember my life beginning last year. But, to watch others suffer from loneliness.. I begin to understand what it is.

Like a hole in your heart that you want to be filled, but even if there is only a slight chance.. and the hole will forever remain partially empty.. people will grab at the chance to take the least bit of anythign to fill a part of it. I see homesick students, friends who have lost loved ones, women and men who are crushed by betrayal or left behind by their significant other. Sometimes I wonder if I too have felt loneliness, if my memory loss has something to do with it. Was I too injured to go on? Did I have a mental break down? Or did I just injure myself and get lost?

A particular student on my floor has been having difficulties with her.. I won't even grace him with the word boyfriend. He is using her.. but there seems to be some sort of complicated reasoning behind it. The girl can do magic.. yeah.. like make shit appear out of thin air.. so it already goes beyond the realm of complicated. But, I find it hard to watch her suffer being the other woman. I want to help her.. but I feel all I can do is offer support or a shoulder to cry on. I am not a perfect man, I am not always kind, nor can I always understand.. and there may be times when she needs a woman to talk to about these things.. but I feel like I want to help her.

Salem makes me so angry.. he has a fiancee, and gallivants around with another woman. Soul mates.. is what Rosyln said they were.. maybe there is some magic pull, but I don't know. I only see what I see.. and regardless of how complicated it is.. there si something called fucking human decency.. if that bastard even is human. Who knows what he is if he is tangling with Roslyn for a lover when she does magic like that.

God.. I don't need to be pulled into drama.. I have enough on my plate being an RA and trying to deal with the nightmares. They started recently.. a feeling of.. emptiness. I am surrounded by light and dark and blood red, I hear voices and see shadowy figures but I can never reach them.. and they are always chasing me.. trying to tell me something. When ever they get close my body turns to fire.. and I burn.. I burn until there is nothing left, waking up in a cold sweat.. thinking I see a shadowy figure reaching out to me in my bedroom.. only to look again and they are gone.

What the hell was I doing for all these years? What kind of life did I lead? Seeing Roslyn suffer through her loneliness has made me want to know what happened to me all the more.. if I am a person who knows myself.. maybe I can help others.. I also don;t want to live with regrets of love unfinished.. or family unseen.. I need to know. I WILL KNOW.
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