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 Changes and Challenges

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blackice_pixie
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PostSubject: Changes and Challenges   Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:25 am

Life has been busy, and I have neglected to keep any sort of log outside of work.. but these past few weeks have been so tumultuous.. I just have to try and put things into words. Davar and I have.. been having problems. I suppose that is the easiest way to get that out of the way. I have been feeling that there is a giant topic that we have both been avoiding.. and that topic is a wedge.. which was only growing wider with the extra relationships both he and I were having.

I think.. after getting pregnant.. really getting pregnant.. my eyes opened. I was being jealous.. and not understanding.. I was playing games with my own feelings for Ceriden in order to get my way. But, knowing a life grew inside of me.. a life that I did not expect.. and a life that I knew Davar could never fully come to love no matter how gallant a face he put up, I broke down and officially ended things with Ceriden.

I think.. I did.. and still do like him. But I do not love him the one I love is Davar. The one I envision myself with in teh future is Davar. I think.. I think my youth, my naivety, my selfishness has really hurt him deeply for these past two years we have been together. I know lying to him about being pregnant.. though a combined idea with other girls who were in the moment.. was not something and never will be something that can be forgiven.

After trying to broach the subject with him he.. something definitely snapped inside of him. I was almost more afraid of him then when he went into the rut with me before. He didn't yell, or push per say.. but I knew I could not go against anything he said.


I got to experience a little of what it is like for him to be with Lee. Granted, it was enjoyable in some ways.. I am still disturbed buy the fact that I was forced into the situation. I never wanted to see it.. I did not want to feel Davar's body shudder in pleasure as he touched Lee, or listen to his growls of possessiveness as he tangled his hands in Lee's hair. But, I can honestly say I understated better. Lee's blood was sweet, his presence was calming, almost like a Queen in a way. I still want to remove the spell from Davar.. but only time will tell. Until that day.. I will have to do my best to.. forget about the things that happen with Lee. It is not sex.. per say.. but.. I hate knowing that he seeks release form someone else.. that someone else can offer him something I can't.

..Before I bring this too down.. something good did come out of all of this. Davar proposed. Ever since I heard that he was going to propose then didn't.. I was shattered. I was always punishing myself. I think in a way.. the cutting is a way to feel pain to bring myself closer to maybe feeling even a hint of the pain I caused him. I have gotten rid of the child.. experienced something that was the most horrible but wonderful of experiences, and now am engaged.

I.. I am not sure where things will go from here. I have a feeling that once things settle.. that topic will reappear again.. and this time even the mask of an engagement ring will not fix the issue. Davar and I have a lot to figure out as we continue onwards in our relationship. I am not lucky like Gwyn, I do not have a man that loves me so deeply that ... that he will do almsot anything to keep us together. But, I do have a man with a quiet passion for life, and an almost unbreakable will to keep the promises that he makes, and to live an honest life as much as he can with the cards he is dealt.

I could ask for nothing more. I only wish now.. that I can truly become the woman he has fallen in love with.. live up to how I have been idealized. I do not want to lose him ever again.. I never want to see the pain in his eyes that I caused him before. This ring is not just proof of his love.. but it is the physical manifestation of my desires, my love for him and my wishes to be with him until the day I die.

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vvandel
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PostSubject: Re: Changes and Challenges   Fri Sep 23, 2011 10:12 am

ahhh they are moving forward slowly but surely. I'm glad Sydney has finally figured shit out and knows that things aren't totally solved. I guess if she thinks of Lee operating like a queen then that might help.
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blackice_pixie
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PostSubject: Re: Changes and Challenges   Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:31 pm

Yes they are! The are a good couple.. but things will not be easy for them I think. But they could so end up being like Mei and Lucivar as far as staying power goes.
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vvandel
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PostSubject: Re: Changes and Challenges   Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:07 am

yes I can see it. I just love them because they have real problems sometimes but don't generaly go off the deep end about them
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