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 What now?

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vvandel
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Join date : 2010-09-28

PostSubject: What now?    Sun Mar 30, 2014 5:37 pm

The last week has been turbulent to say the least. Soren with his soulless eyes and threat of death, Ceriden with his tears and desperate touches and of course Lily, full of her normal quick wit, she has been a critical enigma in my life. And now her newest trait is passionate lover. That invisible line I have held for so long has been crossed. It’s wiped away as if it never was and it will never be again.

I don’t know what this will mean for the future. What it means for me and Lily. What it means for me and Soren. Or even what it means for Ceriden when he is left adrift and drowning in need. I want to keep all of them. But I know it’s not right and that each of them deserves better. Life has always been full of shade of grey and sunbursts of color. Each of them is something important to me.

Only even that is a lie. Ceriden is a responsibility, someone I won’t turn my back on. Sometimes he reminds me so much of Rye it’s painful; to see that same sort of desperate need and suffering again. I know I won’t push Ceriden aside, regardless of where things stand with Soren and I. It’s not in me to spare myself and watch him become more frantic in his need for contact, reassurance and direction. Still, the writing has been on the wall for Soren and I, ever since Ceriden entered the equation and this new situation with Daemon only affirms that.

I don’t hold the current situation against Soren though. He has been honest with me from the beginning. He and I…. in the real world, one without magic or guns and no angels or drugs, we would have worked. Soren and I could have been enduring. He is one of the few people in my life that I can just be. We are partners. It’s that partnership that holds me back. I’m not willing to throw in the towel or give him up even though I know it’d be for the best, especially now.

Lying here, Lily is sprawled out next to me. Until recently, it had been a long time since Lily and I have shared a bed. Since she showed up on my doorstep, a scraggly fourteen year old mad at the world, she has put on a brave face. She has tried to get into my bed in a variety of ways over the years, seduction, arguments, even asking. In the beginning, it was no chore at all because she was a lost lonely girl, in desperate need of some normalcy and affection that didn’t smother. Slowly she grew up and came into herself. Yet somehow, she never stopped testing the waters. She got slyer about how she did it, but Lily has made it clear for years that if I wanted it, she’d be naked in my bed in a snap.

But things changed in the last year or two, since she opened her shop and had Syler. Our relationship became true friendship, something where we were equals. At that point, I was very practiced at ignoring any attraction I had for her. Still, despite that, I could feel that awareness bleed into the space between us. And then last month, she told me she loved me. It shocked me. It simply never occurred to me she might feel so strongly about me at all. But after she told me… after she told me I could suddenly see it in everything.

I could see that she looked at me differently than anyone else, I could see that I sought her out when I needed to talk, I saw the quite space we could have between us, I could see how she needed me to fill a role in Soren’s life, I could see how she has always leaned on me, I could see the flush on her skin if we unexpectedly touched, I could see that her jokes and movements were meant to keep me from really seeing her. She has been hiding this from me in plain sight. She has been secretly telling it to me for longer than I’ve known and I feel at a loss…

Lily is a gorgeous woman. She understands what my life means and she’s lived it. Last night, her soap dilemma gave me an opportunity and I took it. I seized that chance to see what could be. She was more than I could have imagined. In her response when I touched her, in her eagerness for me to taste her, how my name spilling off her lips as a mantra. Lying here as dawn touches the window, I know I need to make a decision. Last night Lily gave her heart and her body to me. And despite my desire to put off addressing this I can’t. She needs to know how I feel; she needs to know where things stand with Soren and Ceriden. But before it starts, before I run the risk of breaking her heart, I’m going to indulge myself in her for one more day.
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